There's a childhood game circling elementary school around the world called "The Stupid Test." It starts with some menacing know-it-all asking some hapless, innocent victim if they would like to take "the stupid test." The victim, knowing full well that they are far from stupid, volunteers his or her participation.

It starts out with two really easy questions like, "What color is the sky?", "Who was the first president of the United States?" or "Which European nation has the highest GNP thanks to heavy exportation of their soybean and cocoa reserves?". Then the know-it-all launches a napalm attack on the victim's ego by asking them, "What is the first question that I asked you?". The victim, believing that they know the correct answer, stupidly repeats word for word the question such as "What color is the sky?" or "What's the capital of Albania?".

But then the know-it-all's true, evil nature is revealed when they exclaimed that technically the first question they were asked was whether or not they would like to take "the stupid test." Much hilarity ensues usually on the part of the know-it-all leaving the victim embarrassed and emotionally scared for life.

But as we all know this test, which has been used for centuries since the days of the Roman Empire by heads of major civilizations to determine whether or not their chiefs of state are stupid, has become ineffective in effectively determining whether or not certain individuals are indeed stupid. A fairly intelligent person could be labeled as "stupid" or "a nanny nanny poo poo head" by some government organization simply because effective measures were not taken to truly determine their level of stupidity. Therefore, I have provided herewith a revised version of "the stupid test," which is free for anyone to use as long as they send a forty-dollar check or money order to the following address:

Royalties for "The Stupid Test"
C/O Locker 43B, Austin International Airport

The test is easy to take as long as the test taker knows how to read and place their name on the test. If they are unable to do either, then the person has failed it, therein which the test shall be sent back to be recycled for a charge of ten dollars per page, which are to be mailed to the following address:

Recycling Fees for "The Stupid Test"
C/O The Space Behind the Break Room Refrigerator, Bob's House of Fake Toenails
Austin, TX. 76383-9009

Now, on to the test. For each question, simply add the appropriate number of points per question for every "yes" answer. Please keep your eyes on your own paper.

• If you've ever taken a shower while trying to install surround sound on your big screen TV ... add one point
• If you ever took the day off from work because someone told you it was "St. Dick Van Patten's Day" ... add four points
• If you think that "scotch guard" protects your stash of J&B ... add two points
• If you ever asked for psychological advice from a plumber ...add two points
• If you ever used psychological advice from a plumber ... add one point
• If you thought that Carrot Top should've won the Pulitzer Prize last year in the General Non-Fiction category ... add three points
• If you believe that Alexander Graham Bell invented the Graham Cracker ... add four points
• If you ever said, "Sure I like JELL-O, but it's even better in liquid form" ... add six points
• If you feel that Colonel Sanders should've received the Congressional Medal of Honor ... add three points
• If you ever purchased a submarine and asked if it came with a sunroof ... add five points
• If you ever purchased a submarine ... add four points

After completing the test, compile all answer sheets and send them to the following address to be graded for absolutely no charge*.

Grading "The Stupid Test"
C/O The Mens' Room – Urinal #4, Chuck E. Cheese
Austin, TX. 76383-9009

*A fee of forty sixty dollars will be charged for shipping and handling