There’s an epidemic that seeping its way into our corporations and rearing its ugly head in worldwide marketing and mass consumerism. No, I’m not referring to the fact that millions of dollars are wastefully spent by the government to ensure that these corporations have consistently lower taxes. I'm not referring to the numerous opportunities corporations have been given to close down plants and put people out of work for profit. I’m not referring to the fact that corporations, in the name of low prices and even bigger profits, move entire factories to starving third world nations of people where they can literally charge twelve year old children to make their product for less than a dollar an hour.

I am instead referring to the recent practice by most food and drink corporations to make food look weirder and even more unappetizing all for a quick buck. It seems that for so long, marketing and grocery analysts have said that making food look appetizing and tasty is the way to go if you want to make money in the food manufacturing and shipping business. But after some major losses in sales of food related items, those marketing and grocery analysts in order to save their pickled olive shilling asses, have done a complete one eighty and said now that people want food that looks as appetizing as pond scum.

Cut to the boardroom of the “Really Really Big, Monopolistic and Overly Powerful Food, Drink and Condiment Marketing Corporation of the Entire Known UniverseTM”

OVERBEARING AND REALLY INTIMIDATING LOOKING BOSS: All right! Our sales are down and they’ve been down for the past two years! And they are going to stay down until we do something to get them back up again! Now if we don’t do something to get ourselves back up again, we’re all going to die a slow financial death. Ideas! I command thee! You!

OVERBEARING AND REALLY INTIMIDATING LOOKING BOSS points to SCARED BOARD MEMBER

SCARED BOARD MEMBER: Uh, uh, gee, uh, uh, maybe we could make the food even more appetizing and appealing by improving not just the quality of its taste but also its nutritional and financial value for, uh, the consumer.

OVERBEARING AND REALLY INTIMIDATING LOOKING BOSS: No, get out! That’s the worst idea I ever heard! Who in the hell wants food that tastes good? You're ruined! You’re finished! I will see to it personally that you’ll never even be another steak sauce test taker in this business again!

SCARED BOARD MEMBER runs out of room screaming and has now become the SCARED BOARD MEMBER WITH A SET OF WET PANTS in this sketch

After the boss went through twenty-seven different board members, one of whom alone had to pay a four-hundred cleaning bill on just a pair of pants, he and his remaining staff devised a full proof way to improve sales, which have been causing this disturbing trend in food manufacturing. Here are just a few examples.

* The Coca-Cola Corporation, the only soft drink corporation to actually have a vending machine in the break room inside Hell, has added lemon flavoring to some of their drinks including Diet Coke, a drink which already tastes like crap furthering the profits from their "people who love drinking crap" demographic.

* The makers of Heinz Ketchup have tried to get kids more interested in ketchup by now manufacturing them in green and purple colors. Oh sure, they still taste like ketchup but now they’re purple and green, which means now our kids will get even lower remedial test scores after they end putting ketchup on their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

* And the worst of all the examples or at least the ones that I didn’t make up, Parkay in order to market butter and other assorted animal lards and fats to children have now manufactured margarine in handy, fun, easy to squeeze bottles with new (and I wish I was making this up) "bright blue and pink" colors. Now ketchup I can understand because hot dogs at the ballpark and hamburgers on the grill in the backyard are part of being a kid unless you grew up with a supermodel or punk rocker. But does anyone need butter that much or do heart doctors find calcified fat blockage in "Shocking Pink" and "Electric Blue" fun too?

Let’s hit these evil corporations where it will hurt the most. We could boycott them and then they lose millions of dollars causing them to revert in size and subside in their domination over our lives, but I have an even more sinister plan.

Anybody wanna go to McDonalds? I hear they got those new chicken wings.