I got a cool idea for this week's IFCH (which is a good sign that a column is becoming a personal success when (1) I get good ideas for columns and (2) I'm too lazy to refer to it by its full title) after going to a Chinese restaurant with an old high school friend of mine in New Orleans during the holidays.

Chinese food has always been a particular favorite of mine because I'm fat and you always get hungry an hour after you eat it, which means that I get to eat even more delicious MSG-strewn goodness and get even fatter which, in turn, leaves more space in my body for even more food later down the road, which is usually Chinese food, which always makes you hungry an hour after you eat it and so on and so on and so on.

Anyway, we get to the end of the meal and the waitress brings us the check and our fortune cookies, which is in my humble opinion the most ingenious invention in modern cuisine since the Happy Meal. How many other foods can say that they have the ability or at least the know-how to predict what events fate will unfold in your future? Then again, how many other foods can say anything for that matter?

I opened my crunchy vanilla-laced treat and searched for the message before I ate the cookie because (and admit it, we all do this) if the message turns out to be bad something like "Your kidney will explode in the next five seconds," then you have something to throw in anger at the waitress who brought you the damn thing.

I open my cookie up and it said, "Your kidney will explode in the next five seconds" ...no I’m just kidding. It said, "The wealth you have will soon exceed the breaths of your ancestors."

"Exceed the breaths of my ancestors? I thought to myself. "What the hell does that mean? Come on, give me an amount, a date, a source of income – anything! At least give me the amount of money I'll earn per breath."

Then like many of the funnier, less emotionally painful events of my life, I pulled out my little black notebook, which I use to jot down my ideas for bits and not girls' phone numbers, and rattled off four or five messages that I'd rather see in my fortune cookie then those inane, asinine messages reminiscent of Chinese cultures long ago.

So without further ado because I have no better way to introduce a feature about "Messages in fortune cookies that I’d like to see," Insert a Funny Column Here proudly presents...

Messages in Fortune Cookies That I'd Like to See

"If you ever want to see your Aunt Edna again, deposit five hundred thousand dollars in small unmarked bills next to the neon 'Budweiser' sign in the front window by five o’clock."

"You are fat. Stop eating so much Moo Goo Gai Pan. Chicks don't like that."

"The road less taken is less taken for a reason. Buy a frigging map."

"Hey, there’s a spider on your back! Ha ha, just kidding. God you are gullible."

"You will receive a stupid prediction that won’t come true from a delicious piece of foreign confectionary."

"No one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself."

"Your lucky number is nada. Get the message, amigo? No? OK then, how about squat and a half?"

"Do you know exactly how many trees died so you could feel somewhat wistful about life for less than five seconds instead of guilty about how much cholesterol you just ingested?"

"You will soon encounter a land of riches and extravagant wealth. Try investing some stock in Pets.com."

"Samuel L. Jackson is responsible for the train wreck in 'Unbreakable.' There, I just saved your ass eight bucks."

"If you keep eating this crap, the MSG’s gonna clog up your arteries and kill ya. That’s not a prediction, bub."

"Only you can prevent forest fires, but then again, only you can start them. killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill"

"Yeah, that’s right. You found the fortune in a 'fortune cookie.' Yep. That's me, the fortune... in a ‘fortune cookie.’ Man, what are the odds of that happening?"

"To whoever finds this, please help me. I am being held captive by the owners of this restaurant and am forced to kill the hamsters that go into the dishes served here. Call the police and don’t eat the Kung Pao."