And now, it’s time for the only game that asks you to determine if we’re lying without having to hire a special prosecutor…

It’s time for some…

F&%$ed Up Fact or Fiction?

Here’s how this game works. First, go get a sheet of paper and a pencil. Go ahead, it’s all right. We’ll wait for your ass. Dum de dum dum dum de do de do de do. Come on, Slowpoke Rodriguez, I got a dog with one leg that moves faster than you. All right, finally. Now, below you are going to see ten different statements about some ultra obscure facts, and you’re job is to figure if they are true or false. Just number your paper from one to fifteen and write your answer for each statement. Then check your answers below the statements to see how you did.

All right, Stooges. Get that pencil out of your nose, and get ready to play! Here we go!

1) The constellation of “Orion” has the job of tailor on his resume.

2) Say you’re playing Blackjack at a Las Vegas casino, and you run out of cash. If you ask the dealer how many chips your dentures are worth, he can call security and have you arrested.

3)In the final scene of the movie Citizen Kane, if the sled in the fireplace were replaced with a hot dog weiner, then the movie would be funnier but still historically accurate.

4) Even if you were the same approximate size, you still couldn’t give a bee a wet willy.

5) You are chopping onions when you accidentally cut your finger all the way down to the bone. If you rub the bone marrow over your eyes, you can continue chopping onions without crying or tearing up.

6) If you lost your batch of cat urine in the dark, you could find it by using a black light.

7) If you’re trying to get more raw fiber in your diet, you could chug a bottle of A-’ Steak Sauce every morning with breakfast since it contains pure oat bran in the recipe.

8) If you hear someone fart at a funeral, you could blame it on the body in the casket.

9) If Victoria’s Secret released a new catalogue dedicated to baseball umpires, all of the products would be available only in black.

10) Owls are the only birds that would be able to see a “blue movie.”

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Answers

(By the way, if you are looking at this without having
played the game first, you are ugly
and mother doesn’t really love you.)

1) FALSE! Orion is more commonly known as Orion the Hunter. You can recognize him easily in the sky by the row of three horizontal stars that represent his belt, but it just clashes with the rest of his ensemble.

2) TRUE! Pawning your dentures in Sin City is a misdemeanor offense and you can be arrested for it. Or you can just let the bouncer punch your teeth out and the casino will call it even.

3) FALSE! That’s not true. Charles Foster Kane’s famous last word “rosebud” refers to the nickname that publishing giant William Randolph Hearst, the man on which Citizen Kane is based, had for his mistress’s, uh “rosebud.”

4) TRUE! Bees don’t have ears, which means that you couldn’t give them a wet willy which is a silly childhood form of humiliation by licking your finger and then sticking it in someone else’s ear. Now call me old-fashioned, but we used to use Q-Tips.

5) FALSE! Of course you can’t cure “onion eyes” with bone marrow. Besides, if you’ve ever tried it, you’re probably already doing a life sentence at San Quentin or living in a place where holding sharp objects is a “no-no.”

6) TRUE! The phosphorescent glow of cat urine can be seen in the dark when it is viewed under a black light. But the cats themselves don’t glow in the dark unless you let them play with the Christmas tree display like mine did last year. Boy, little Fluffy was lit up like a, well Christmas tree.

7) FALSE! There is no oat bran in A-’ Steak Sauce, but it does contain orange peels and raisins. So you may not be getting your daily allowance of fiber, but you arteries will be getting their yearly allowance of calcified fat blockage. Bottoms up.

8) TRUE! According to mortality studies of the human body, people do pass gas after they’ve passed on and nobody dares to suggest that they light a match during the cremation.

9) TRUE! All national league baseball umpires always wear black underwear during games that they officiate, so all of the underwear in the catalogue would be black, and way too big for the models who pose in Victoria’s Secret catalogues. But you can’t blame them for not eating. Ball park hot dogs must cost at least six bucks a piece these days.

10) TRUE! Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue, and their mothers always tell them that one day they’ll go blind and grow hair on their palms if they keep doing that.