Like every child of the 80's with a severe sleeping disorder that prevented them from going to bed before midnight, I loved watching "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

In fact, I tried to make Carson's comedy an integral part of my young life. I was obsessed with memorizing jokes from his hilarious monologues so I could tell them to my giggling classmates the next day only to be sent to sit in the corner by my teacher because she didn't find any humor in my witty references about what Jessica Hahn did with Jimmy Baker's "pulpit."

For the school's talent show in the third grade, instead of reciting a poem by Robert Frost or singing "Getting to Know You" dressed as a sunflower, I performed the "Andy Williams Christmas Special" parody sketch to a silent audience because the kids were to young to know who Andy Williams was and the parents didn't care about Andy Williams to begin with.

Believe it or not, I once went for Halloween dressed as Aunt Blabby. And I was almost beaten to an inch of my life when I went rang the doorbell of a local "Hell's Angels" house in the hopes they'd give me some candy.

But by far, my favorite character/comedy feature on "The Tonight Show" was Carnac the Magnificent. For those of you who don't remember because you're too young or because you just don't care, this sketch centered around Carson as a great psychic known as Carnac who could divine the answer of a question without having seen the question. Beat that, Miss Cleo.

So, this week, in an attempt to bring hilarity to your hearts and for me to live out one of my personal fantasies (and because my boss refuses to print that comedy sketch I wrote about Carmen Electra, Molly Sims and Jenna from "Survivor" falling in a vat of caramel), let's take a stroll into my conscience as I present to you that mystical, mysterious man from the Far East – Danac…the Magnificent.

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Welcome, oh mighty soothsayer. I hold in my hand, the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, they are hermetically sealed. They've been sitting in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls' porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes! But you! In your mystical and divine will ascertain the answers to these questions having never before seen the question!

Yeah, sure, as long as I get paid, right?

Here is envelope number one.

May we have silence please.

Answer: Scooby Doo.
Question: What do people who walk Scoobies have to clean up all the time?

Answer: "Stop or I'll Shoot"
Question: In Los Angeles, what kind of warning do police officers give to drivers who don't stop for a red light?

Answer: Starbucks franchises.
Question: Name something that outnumbers the population of China.

Answer: E-I-E-I-O
Question: Describe the sound a porcupine makes during the mating season.

Answer: Quit while you're ahead
Question: What should you do after you are killed by a guillotine?

(BOOING FROM THE AUDIENCE)

May a near-sighted proctologist give you a root canal.

Answer: "Triple X"
Question: For guys, what is the most disappointing summer movie of the year?

Answer: Amelia Earhart
Question: Who will they find sooner than Osama Bin Laden?

Answer: P Diddy
Question: How does a guy ask if his friend went to the bathroom?

Answer: "The Thong Song"
Question: What suggestion did Bill Clinton make for a replacement to "Hail to the Chief"?

I hold in my hand…the last envelope.

(CHEERING FROM THE AUDIENCE)

May a herd of vultures nest in your underwear drawers.

Answer: Sitting Bull, Maple and Kenneth Lay.
Question: Name a chief, a leaf and a thief.