Lately, I've been suffering from a huge identity crisis.

Every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I say to myself, "Who is this weird, overweight person starring back at me while I clip the hairs from my nose?" And by the time I've shoved an electric hair trimmer halfway up my nose, the hangover wears off I realize it's me.

But I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know who I am through my personality, and consequently, I don't know how to interact with other people. So, usually, when I'm faced with a problem as big as this, I go surfing around the Internet. Sure it may not solve my problems, but it's cheaper than paying for a shrink and my computer doesn't tell me to stop being such a wussy as much as a real psychiatrist would.

I came across a cool site, www.statemedia.net, that is a collection of videos of sketch done by "The State," a freaking funny sketch comedy group that had their own show on MTV back in the 80's just before the world was taken over the brilliant, insightful and cutting-edge satire of "Beavis and Butt-head." Anyway, they had a character on the show called Louie whose only job was to run out on stage and scream his catchphrase, which was "I wanna dip my balls in it!" whenever someone offered him something to eat or drink.

I saw this sketch and thought, "Hey! This guy's got his act together! He's assertive! He's loveable! And most importantly, he knows who he is!" So I immediately ran outside and started yelling at people I saw, "Hey! I wanna dip my balls in it!" with the same conviction and heart that Louie had just to see if people would respond positively to my newfound personality. Sadly to say, they didn't like it one bit. In fact, neither did the police officer that arrested and charged me for disturbing the peace after I showcased my catchphrase to an old lady.

But while I was sitting in my holding cell waiting for the state appointed attorney to arrive and tell me to plead insanity, I realized that maybe Louie's catchphrase wasn't for me, and I should develop one of my own. So I managed to trade my credit card for a pen with my cellmate, and I wrote on my arm a few clever quips that I can use whenever I'm in the grocery, riding the bus home or about to appear in court before a federal judge.

"Eat me, I'm a Butterfinger!"
(Of course, I can use this one but only if I get the expressed written consent from the Butterfinger corporation and agree to release the rights to all profits, royalties, taxes, titles and licenses from hereon.)

"I'd spank a quarter on that!"
(I like this one myself just because it's naughty thanks to the word "spank," but it's also very emotional and spiritual and interjects a deeply lyrical tone that is easy on the auditory canals but is also a personal and philosophical view of the nature of existence. But mostly because I can say "spank".)

"Wrap it up to go and let's roll, Chaco."
(On the one hand, it's catchy. On the other hand, I hear people say this at McDonald's all the time and I'm afraid my career might lead to there.)

"Who says you can't cut a tree with your hand?"
(Again, this is a very spiritual and uplifting saying that's sure to be a best seller if a T-shirt company was to ever offer me a contract, but I'm worried the Sierra Club would start protesting the moment I made a buck off it. Plus, I don't think you can cut a whole tree with your hand unless you do a lot of steroids.)

"Like trying to squeeze a sperm whale in a shot glass."
(Did I mention that I was also arrested for public intoxication?)