Being in the comedy writing business means that I'm constantly schmoozing and chatting it up with some of the world's biggest stars. OK, that's a lie. The truth I don't get to do any schmoozing or chatting it up with anyone remotely famous these days. And if I do, chances are that they are just trying to lift my wallet while I pretend that I'm finally getting my foot in the door. Damn you, Winona Ryder, damn you to hell, I say.

But on those rare occasions when I do bump into someone famous and when they're someone that I admire (an added bonus), I always find a way to open my mouth as wide as I can and shove my foot halfway down my throat even though I haven't been able to reach my feet with my hands since President Bush numero uno was in office.

Unfortunately, this has happened more than just a couple of times, and not just with huge, nationwide celebrities but personal ones as well. Here's a true example: the first time I ever did stand-up on a stage in a club in front of real people as compared to my parent's basement in front of my doll collection, a comic went on before me whose act I thought I recognized from a show on the local public access cable network. On this broadcast, this comic did a joke about how he lost a hundred pounds and the way he did it was by taking a picture of his naked ass and then tacking it on his refrigerator door.

After the show, he came up to me to complement my set and I immediately shouted back, "Hey, you're the guy who took a picture of his ass!"

Cut to one year later, I run into him again at the same comedy club, this time as I'm performing for a smaller crowd on a Sunday afternoon. He's the MC for the show and I call him out on stage and tell the crowd the same exact story on our first encounter. And I swear he shouts back, "Actually it was another comic who did that bit." So not only did I embarrass myself by repeating a joke that was probably the most inappropriate to complement, I doubled my "total jackass" image by repeating one that had absolutely nothing to do with him.

This leads me to my first tip - #1 - DON'T SHOW THEM HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM BY REPEATING YOUR FAVORITE JOKE, LINE OR QUICHE RECIPE BACK TO THEM. When you first meet the famous him or her, chances are you're going to choke, draw a blank or have a brain fart that will make one of George W. Bush's impromptu speeches sound like a Shakespearian sonnet. So when you're reaching for something to say as an opening line, just try saying "Hi," "Hello" or even a "How are ya? I'm so and so." I know it sounds crazy saying something as simple as "hello" to some famous schmuck, but it's a helluva lot better than screaming, "You're the guy who took a picture of his ass and stuck on his fridge!"

So as soon as I got home that night, I wrote my first tip on a post-it-note and stuck it on my forehead so I wouldn't forget it, just in case I happen to run into Kevin Spacey, Franz Kafka or the leader singer of "Ratt" in the produce department of my local grocery store. Six solid months went by with no celebrity meeting in sight until finally, it happened.

Dave Attell, host of Comedy Central's funny ass show "Insomniac" and onehelluva funny ass stand-up comic, would do a show in Austin where I live. So not only was I determined to see him perform even though the show was completely sold out, I was just as determined to meet him in person and hope that he wouldn't think I'm a "total jackass" because I actually use phrases like "funny ass" in my sentences.

But how was I going to get in to the show when it's already sold out? Introducing my second tip - #2 - DO PLAN AHEAD. You don't need to have a fully thirty point plan ready to execute as soon as you spot in your sights James Van Der Beek or one of the "Menudo" boys, but have a couple of lines rehearsed or know the area or playing field where the celebrity will be so you can have a framework or rough sketch set in your mind in case you do encounter them.

So immediately, I did some quick reconnaissance work of the auditorium where he would be performing and then I ran to my drafting table and drew up a crude plan detailing how I could get into the theater without being noticed by the managers or alerting the authorities to my non-ticket holding presence.

Luckily, just as I was about to climb the rope, a friend of mine managed to secure some tickets without having to bludgeon a security guard or risk being trapped in an air conditioning duct overnight.

And now that I think of it, this brings me to tip numero "tres" - #3 – DON'T CRAWL THROUGH A WINDOW, THEN SLIP INTO AN AIR DUCT AND BLUDGEON A SECURITY GUARD WITH A BASEBALL BAT JUST TO MEET THEM. In other words, don't force the moment. The best celebrity meetings and conversations are spontaneous and happen when you and they least expect it. That way, it doesn't seem like you went out of your way just to shake their hand or rip off a piece of their clothing for your scrap book, and it doesn't make you look like a stalker, which does wonders for the celebrity's piece of mind and your criminal record with the CIA.

So finally, I get the chance to see Dave Attell perform live in concert along with hundreds of other lucky freaks like myself, half of them who didn't have to sleep with anyone or carry any special packages through the airport to get those tickets. Then suddenly as my friend and I were walking down a hallway right next to the auditorium, a door opens and literally out pops Dave Attell himself. The little bald freak with the four-day stubble actually walked right in front of me while dashing out to grab a cigarette. Without any reservations, I stuck out my hand, said hello, told him how much I enjoyed his work and he actually stuck his hand out, shook mine back and said, "Nice to meet you" and "Thanks a lot man" and disappeared outside all within the span of a second.

I was psyched! I not only got to shake his hand, but he also said a few words back to me and his sentences didn't include phrases like "Get this freak off of me" or "Security!" He actually responded and didn't seem to be threatened by my presence in anyway! This was surely a historic moment in my rather, meaningless existence.

But unlike those other moments, I let it come to an end, which leads me to my final tip - #4 - DO LET THE MOMENT END. If all you get out a famous human being is a simple "How are ya?", a "nice to meet you" and a quick shake of their hand, then leave it at that. Celebrities probably aren't going to remember you beyond the ten seconds after you've encountered them, so if you try to corner them again later in another moment and bombard them with the time you first met, chances are you're just going to confuse them and make their brain hurt since most good looking celebrities have damaged nervous systems due to years of unnecessary plastic surgery and all night coke orgies for bit parts in made-for-TV movies early on in their careers.