The Oscars were just given out, which really bummed me out, mainly because I wasn’t nominated.

I know, I know, technically you have to have MADE or APPEARED IN a major motion picture to even be considered for a nomination, but I believe that’s just discrimination on a much lower and pickier level. Nevertheless, I won’t make excuses for the real fact why I didn’t win. I never wrote an acceptance speech.

If you’ve ever watched the Oscars year after year, you’ll notice that everyone who wins a little gold statue of a naked man goes up on the stage to receive their award and then spend anywhere from three minutes to a light year go on and on and on about “all the people who were responsible for making this film the great piece of art that it is.”

Well, needless to say, I hadn’t prepared a speech this year because I hadn’t figured it out until today: “No prepared speech” equals “No Oscar.” Sure, I never made or starred in a movie that’s been screened outside of my parents’ basement, but I figure my chances are better if I write a speech anyway.

Little did I realize that writing an Oscar speech is a tad more difficult than writing a pro-abortion and gay rights speech for a “Pat Buchanan for President” rally – especially when you haven’t even made a movie. So I did a lot of soul searching, not just to see who I wanted to thank in my speech, but also what kind of statement I wanted to make to the world about movies, art, economic turmoil, the war, our children, our children’s children and, of course, our children’s children’s great great great great great great grandchildren.

Because we all know that delivering an acceptance speech at the Oscars is less about recognizing the hard work and talent of the people involved in the project and more about letting the world all about their problems by any means necessary. Sure, now they seem pretty tame and low key. Hell, I hardly notice the political messages anyway. But trust me, if the world was experience a kitten population explosion in 2045, the guys who win the Oscar for Best Cinematography would blow up an entire litter with dynamite during their speech just to get their point across.

So without any further references to murdering innocent animals (and so PETA will finally get off my ass), I present to you my speech. Enjoy.

“Wow, what a honor. Please you’re too kind. Please, really, that’s enough applauding. Really, oh my, I’m so flattered. Hey you up there in the balcony. There’s no need to rappel down here just to give me a hug. Save for it for after the show. Oh now, your holiness, the Pope, please don’t get up. Please, you don’t have to do that whoop whoop whoop thing they used to do on Arsenio’s show.”

“Uh, wow, so thanks so much for choosing me, Danny Gallagher, to win this high award among awards, the Oscar. It’s not only a real honor and a privilege, but it also gives me the rare opportunity to speak to millions of people at the same time about an issue surfacing in this country that is very close to my heart – no spill coffee mugs.”

“We Americans have had it too good for too long! Other third world nations don’t even have coffee mugs to drink their espresso out of. They have to carve bark off of trees and can only keep them glued together with the sap from creosote bushes and spit! My God, how can such a moral nation sit idly by while these people continue to suffer! Shame on you, President Bush, shame on you and your no spill coffee mugs!”

“Hey, you down there! Yeah, the guy with the music baton! Stop conducting that music! I’m trying to speak! Also, I’d like to mention some names that are responsible for making me the man that I am today. First off, there was this girl I dated in high school named Colleen who I found out was cheating on me when I discovered her and the second string tackle from the football team swapping tongues in a locker. She really pushed me to work hard and become the rich and famous egomaniac I’ve become today. So to her, I’d like to say thank you and, ‘Hey, lookie here you dumb broad! Hope you’re enjoying life with the loser who couldn’t even make it on a high school football team let alone the second string on an XFL team!”

“Yo, conductor, I’m warning you. Quit interrupting me. I’d also like to thank my parents for all their love and support and especially to my mom for still doing my laundry.”

“Alright buddy, this is my last warning. You wave that baton one more time, and it’ll be sticking out of your head. I’d also like to thank most of all, my Savior, the Creator, the one true God who created this universe this beautiful world we live in today. All hail Steven Spielberg!”

“I also want to let people know about the dangers of letting Republicans pass their new tax relief plan – hey stop playing the music already. Also, please people donate your old and unused boxers to the Peace Corps, and hey – let go of me – remember everyone, no more blood for no spill coffee mugs! Hey, watch where you’re pointing that baton!”