~ Movies That Suck ~
by Danny Gallagher

"Dumb and Dumberer"
OR
"The Snakes on the Plane Stay Mainly in Our Brains"

Some movies can be very confusing to an audience. So try to keep up here.

Let's face it, trying to explain the complex subtext about losing your innocence and creating love on your own terms in a movie about a really rich guy who loses a sled is next to impossible to explain when it's to a group of people who made "The Dukes of Hazzard" the number one movie in America, a movie so dumb it even has a misspelled word in the title.

But just like Armageddon, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse and a vehicle for Larry the Cable Guy, there would come a day when the world would be subjected to the dumbest movie ever made, a movie so dumb that it would become the most popular movie in the world even before anyone had a chance to see it.

It sounds like something that may not happen for at least another 100 years when the government obtains their own Hypno-Ray (brought to you by the makers of the Truth Enema, the Testicushock and the Ronco Rotisserie) and Hollyweird hijacks it to use to their own twisted will on whatever unsuspecting audience they choose.

Well, fear it now because that movie is upon us and it's called "Snakes on a Plane."

It's less than six months from opening and there's more buzz in this thing than a pot of Starbucks coffee brewed with 10 ounces of mowie wowie. The trailer hit the web and the world went nuts. Movie geeks started posting confessions of love on movie message boards. Friends started talking to friends who started talking to friends about it. Bloggers wrote about it like it was the greatest movie they had ever seen, and they hadn't even seen a trailer. All they had in their grasp was a title. Ladies, please help give these bloggers' lives. Between movie rants, debt consolidation pop up ads and midget porn, I'm sure this is not what the founders of the Internet hadn't intended us to use it for.

So why all the hype? Let's break the movie down based on what we know so far. It stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent sworn to protect a major mob witness who gets trapped on the plane with the snakes as part of a fiendish plot to bump off the witness at 30,000 feet. In other words, it's Samuel L. Jackson vs. the Snakes. Just imagine a raging SL going mano y animano on the big screen. He's faced sharks and lost. He battled the Emperor from "Star Wars" and lost. He appeared in "XXX2: State of the Union" with Ice Cube and lost his dignity.

This is his chance for revenge. He'll spend 90 glorious minutes yelling at and kicking the ass of about 500 deadly snakes assuming the snakes have an ass that can be kicked.

The thing that's reeling in the most eyeballs is the title. "Snakes on a Plane," there's not a lot of grey area there. I haven't even seen the movie yet and I can tell what you're going to see when you shell out $7.50 in plasma donation money to see it. There are snakes and they are on a plane. Man, if only all movies were this predictable, I could be Miss Cleo. Oh, and that'll be $9.95 a minute.

This is the first time in movie history that the title has fully explained the plot of the film. It should be called "Cliffs Notes: The Movie." No symbolist tomes here like "Terror at 30,000 Feet" or "Venom in the Sky" or "Death Gets Bumped Up to Business Class." If you've read the title, then you've seen the movie. Sorry for the spoilers.

Of course, what's most attractive to Hollyweird is the potential for spin-offs. If something this dumb and easy to make can score more coin at the box office than a biopic of the life of Mother Teresa starring Jessica Simpson, it's bound to become one in a long series of tired movies about man vs. beast on a popular mode of transportation.

"This summer, get ready for the thrill ride of your life. You'll go ape for 'Gorillas on a Train.'"

"They'll wait until you break down and then until your dead. Coming to a theater near you, it's 'Vultures in a Volvo.'"

"Watch your back and your baby. Coming this fall, it's 'Dingoes on a Rubber Raft.'"

It's bound to have more over the top acting, unnecessary violence and dumb dialogue than the Fox News Channel. It doesn't have anything going for it. It's got no plot, no purpose, no point. Everything about this flick just screams dumb.

Man I can't wait to see it.

"Movies that Suck" is written and created by Danny Gallagher.

To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a line online at ffdpg@aol.com.

Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.

© 2006 by Danny Gallagher