To the class of 2006, wear a helmet
By DANNY GALLAGHER

I was once like you, Class of 2006, all full of ideas, hope and pimples.

I was sitting where you are sitting right now in an auditorium with my fellow classmates wearing the traditional Hefty garbage bag robe and a cap that looks like a yamukah with the lid of a pizza box stapled on top of it.

I, like you, had my own ideas about the future: what I wanted to do with it, who I wanted to become, what I hoped it would be. But after graduation, both from high school and college, I learned pretty quickly that the future is something that cannot be tamed. It cannot be stopped. You've got a better chance to taking Amelia Earhart to the prom than controlling the future.

Doesn't sound very encouraging or life affirming, does it? Well, that's why I wasn't the commencement speaker at your graduation this year. Franz Kafka never hosted motivational seminars for the same reason.

There are some things you should know about the world you're about to enter. It's like that song by the Faces, "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger. I wish that I knew what I know now when I was stronger so I could move into my parents' basement, live off the bugs I find down there and never have to worry about paying another overpriced cell phone bill ever again."

You should know that the world is a very beautiful place. There are wonders that the very sight of them will make you believe that some sort of higher power had to exist, be it God, Allah or Sinatra, to ensure their creation. The problem is people screw it up. Mother Nature created the beauty and majesty that is the Grand Canyon, but people created the gift shop next to it that sells tacky merchandise that says, "I went to Arizona and I didn't fall into the Grand Canyon."

You should know people, by and large, are kind-hearted, nurturing and are just looking for love like the rest of us on this doomed planet. But what changes people are evil forces that tempt them such as greed, love, power and lust. Hal Halbrook's character from Oliver Stone's "Wall Street" said, "The thing about money, Bud, is it makes you do things you don't want to do." Remember that kid in elementary school who would eat anything for a quarter? He's a stockbroker now.

You should know there is a big difference between work and a job. A job provides a service to people. A job makes you feel like you're providing something, even if it sometimes feels like work. Work is something you have to do. Work pulls you out of your warm womb of a bed at some ungodly hour to do something your Depression era grandfather wouldn't want to do. Work sucks. But a job fulfills an important purpose in the universe unless your major was English, Esperanto or Government.

You should know that money doesn't equal success. Just look at the New York Yankees.

You should know that you might think you know everything there is to know about the world, but you don't. If you really did, you wouldn't be so quick to move out of your parents' house.

You should know that every thing you learn now will somehow help you in the future. Except for geometry, the only people who need to learn geometry are pool players and geometry teachers.

You should know that the future can be a scary thing. It's an untamed beast that no leash, invisible fence or neutering can tame or control. Some people choose to ignore it, others choose to taunt it and some choose to face it head on. It doesn't matter if the future rips your arm off at the shoulder or the two of you become close friends and share a malt at the drugstore. What matters is how you choose to face it.

Take it from someone who's still fighting with his future. Remember, I was once where you are. I was once young, dumb and ugly. Now I'm only two of those things.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist and reporter living in Texas. His website is http://www.dannygallagher.net.