MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER

"Summer Catch"
OR
"You Win Summer, You Lose Some More"

Giant explosions go off in neighborhood movie theaters.

Thousands of children are crying in bloodcurdling pain.

A nation loses their last ounce of hope.

What kind of third world country does this sound like to you? Iraq? Afghanistan? Alabama? Nope, these scenes were taken straight out of modern day America.

The explosions are coming from movie theaters that are screening big blockbuster action epics that are all bang and no bark.

The crying of children is caused by the hundreds of thousand of parents who refuse to fork over $30 in lunch money for a cheap, plastic toy that's based on a movie they won't remember in six months.

And that collective feeling of hopelessness is coming from the coming attractions that include unfunny comedies, laughable horrors and movies that are remakes of TV shows that were remakes of movies that were remakes on TV shows.

That's right, folks. That sulphur scent you smell is coming from a theater near you because the summer movie season has started.

They've gotten so predictable that I can pretty much sniff out which ones are going to drench the audience in mediocrity. Don't believe me? Well, than I'll make you a little betI've picked five movies from the Boston Globe's summer movie preview that I believe will be the worst of the season and for everyone I miss, that's how many times I have to watch "Titanic," the stinkiest of the summer movie stinkers, in a row. Six would be considered a violation of the United Nation's guidelines for treating prisoners of war.

We'll measure their "stink-ature" with Rotten Tomatoes.com. Each of these has to get less than 10 percent of positive reviews by August or I go down with the ship. And just to be fair, I won't put "Snakes on a Plane" on my list of the Faulty Five. That's too easy. That's like giving Michael Jordan a pair of moon shoes.

Let's knock the softball pitch out of the park first. "My Super Ex-Girlfriend," opening July 21, stars Luke Wilson who dumps his girlfriend, played by Uma Thurman, only to find out that (you guessed it) she's a superhero. She's faster than a cheerleader on prom night, more powerful than a Midol, able to make men feel really guilty about stuff guys normally wouldn't give a crap about in a single bound. Look, up in the sky! Is it "Superman Returns?" Is it "Sky High?" Is it "The Incredibles?" No, it sucks!

Next up, we have "Just My Luck", opening May 12, starring Lindsay Lohan and Chris Pine. Lohan plays a girl who is the luckiest person in the world and has lived a charmed life all of her life. Throw in some chronic anorexia and the driving skills of Miss Daisy and I'm sure this wouldn't be much a stretch for her. But when she kisses a handsome stranger (I'm quoting handsome from the press release since I wouldn't know what that is, sickos) who happens to be the unluckiest guy in the world, her life turns into a living hell. For audiences all across America, that will make this a 3-D movie.

Then there's "See No Evil," opening May 19. It's a horror movie about a reclusive psychopath named Jacob Goodnight who lives in a hotel with only his thoughts of revenge when eight teenagers show up to do their community service along with the cop who buried a bullet in his head. Jacob leaves his trademark on his victims by plucking out their eyeballs with his razor sharp fingernails. Audiences will be wishing they could do the same thing to themselves about halfway through it. Here's the worst part: Jacob is played by professional WWE wrestler Kane. I'm sure"acting" won't be too big of a stretch for him.

Number four on our "Bound to Bomb" countdown is "Zoom," opening Aug. 11. It stars Tim Allen as a retired superhero who comes out of retirement so he can help a ragtag group of kids become superheroes at a private academy. This concept feels like it's been done a million times before. I know when it comes to Hollyweird, they take a pretty left wing stance on environmental issues. But they don't have recycle "everything." They can at least wait a year until "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" shows up in the dollar rack.

Finally, here's a flick that's sure to keep me from going down with the ship. "Little Man," opening July 5, stars Marlon Wayans as a jewel theft midget who has to hide out from the fuzz with a yuppie couple played by Shawn Wayans by pretending to be a baby. Dear God, another transformation movie for the Wayans clan. First, there was "White Chicks" and now this. When do we get to see the movie where the Wayans Brothers pretend to be people that don't exist?

Remember, if any of these movies gets even a smidgen more than 15 percent of positive reviews at Rotten Tomatoes.com, then I have to subject myself to one consecutive viewing of "Titanic." My only hope is that one of these movies will have killed me by then.