by Danny Gallagher

Normally, I hate passing along or responding to those endless chain mails posing as personality tests I get from friends who think I need it because I'm too cheap to go to a shrink (I am). But I found this one at writer Bob Sassone's blog, one of my favorite online scribes, and I had to steal...er...share it with you here.

For this one, you take your iPod, in my case an iShuffle (remember, cheapo here), let it play and use the song titles to answer the following questions about yourself. I took "Touch Myself" by Blondie out of my iTunes before I started it.

Try it out for yourself...if you dare or don't have a life worth using to find real thrills...like me...

How does the world see me?
"Rain" (Breaking Benjamin)
The world sees me as rain? A large tropical depression...well, ok maybe the depression part...

Will I have a happy life?
"I'm Waiting for the Man" (David Bowie)
I wouldn't say I'm waiting for the Man. Slaving endlessly? Sure. Giving up a piece of my soul to him a day at time? Absolutely. I guess neither of those really make for good song titles though.

What do my friends really think of me?
"I'm Mad" (The Presidents of the United States of America)
Bingo, that's me all over baby. It's a good thing I don't have Weird Al Yankovic's "Fat" on my iTunes anymore.

Do people secretly lust after me?
"You Can't Always Get What You Want" (The Rolling Stones)
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this one.

How can I make myself happy?
"Sad But True" (Metallica)
This is probably the deepest a Metallica tune is ever going to be, so soak it up now, people.

What should I do with my life?
"Fell in Love with a Girl" (The White Stripes)
Like I said, it's a good thing "Touch Myself" isn't in the jukebox...

Will I ever have children?
"Paint it Black" (The Rolling Stones)
So no then.

What is some good advice for me?
"Cash on Delivery" (Spinal Tap)
Thank you iPod, you're the Jewish mother I never had.

How will I be remembered?
"Breakout" (Foo Fighters)
So I'll be remembered for my uncontrollable acne. Damn you, destiny.

What is my signature dancing song?
"Two Kings" (Tenacious D)
If by dancing you mean "mistaken for having an epileptic seizure," then yes.

What do I think my current theme song it?
"F*** Her Gently" (Tenacious D)
Who is the man? WHO IS THE MAN?!?

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Snakecharmer" (Rage Against the Machine)
I don't understand this one, just like the lyrics to RATM's songs.

What song will play at my funeral?
"I Keed" (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog)
That's right. I plan on faking my death for the column material.

What type of woman do I like?
"Kielbasa Sausage" (Tenacious D)
Oh dear God, that drunken night in Germany is starting to come back to me now...

What is my day going to be like?
"Somebody's Gonna Get Their Head Kicked In Tonight" (The Rezillos)
Oh so, in other words, Tuesday.